Memoirs of a freakshow

Thursday, 12:13 p.m.
Free period.
Havoc.

Divya chews on her pen so much it probably looks like a lump of orange and grey plastic right now. Gunaseelan says "Ennaku orru readymade map thaa di Swarupa... I don't want to Mark indha pass, andha pass. Chee thoo." and then scratches his head when he realises Swarupa is not listening. Nivedha ogles Subbu with her mouth hanging open. Ladylike, I think not. Au contraire, Subbu is rearranging desks and benches and hurling the occassional "Panni.. Get up da.. Push the bench da!! Dai!!!" and stroking his hair so much it might fall out any second. Praveen- who is supposed to be the class monitor and all- sits on his desk and surveys the class with disgust branded on his face. "Eyy masala tea maserati masala tea!" screams Ravishankar, insane, as is evident. He bangs the door and runs to sit next to Asif but ends up sitting on him and nearly killing him.

Varun is swearing and saying "Eyy thoo, move yaa." , trying hard to flirt with Srujanya. Srujanya swishes her hair and looks at her fingernails, most definitely uninterested. Neeraja and Divya spend about ten minutes whispering and suddenly burst into laughter. Or what they think is laughter but seems like mentally harassed birds screeching to the rest of us. Manav flashes Varsha a happydent white smile. Naresh looks like he just walked out of the Kilpauk asylum. "Kaaaaaamedi, kaaaaaaamedi." he says, which we're supposed to understand as "Comedy, comedy" Good Lord.

Ananthu laughs like a maniac, banging books and going "Yeahahahahahaahaha. Bwahahaha" and simultaneously eating his handkerchief. Arvind is nibbling on the edge of a pink Barbie ruler and tapping a tune that sounds vaguely like, God forbid, the star spangled banner. Arun is trying to see how quickly he can swallow his hand till the elbow as a whole. These poor souls are so starved. What in God's name, I ask you, is the WHO doing to eradicate chronic hunger? I have an Ehtiopia-in-the-making in my classroom!!
Now, Ananthu is strangling Gunaseelan and shaking him so much you can hear Guna's bones rattle. Nivedha, who is supposed to be dictating Chemistry notes is saying something in her Nasal donkey-meets-Phoolan Devi voice. "Whhaaat is the vaylency of Carban? Dai madya... write da! Ennai sight adikiriyaa?" What with her resemblance to a refrigerator, I can safely say that she has high hopes.
"Nivedha sister... aiyaa... sister.. aaaaaa" Siddharth sings and jumps and down, and he himself being on the larger side of life, manages to cause a minor earthquake. Gunaseelan boldly scrawls "I am Shahrukh Khan" on the blackboard and borders it with pink x marks. "Ehehehehehawahawhaw" he yells and does the chest-thumping routine, revealing his inner primate.

And then, Subbu and Archit turn a corner of the classroom into a boxing ring. Damned Rocky Balboa. Suddenly, Archit's arms are flailing and we see Subbu sock it to him. Archit kicks Subbu where it hurts. He pulls Subbu's tie off his neck and dashes out of the classroom, bearing resemblance to a worn out Crazy Frog. Subbu chases him. They come back in, go out again, circle the corridors and then Subbu heads off to the loo. Just when we thought he'd left, he comes charging like we were bullfighting and pins Archit to the wall. "Who tied the knot da? Me. Don't mess with me again", he says. Big dialogue, small brain. Whatever. They fight again and Chanakya tries to wedge them apart but is beaten senseless by the two morons. "Chaaani, Chaaani, Chaaani!!!" Poornima shrieks like a woman demented while Chanakya looks on, clutching his head and Nike wallet that was being tossed around like a hot potato across the classroom three minutes previously.

Praveen thinks he's playing the Mridangam and starts singing away for glory, drumming furiously on his Physics notebook. Varsha is making a weird noise. "Hwangaga" is what I made of it. Sesha sayee seems desperately suicidal. He puts his finger in a plug point that doesn't work and turns it on and off repeatedly and then lets out a sigh of exasperation. I can't blame him, though. "RED ALERT! WAAWAAWAA" Manav's imitation of a siren has the whole lot of us scampering like rats, benches turning over, noodles flying in the air like crows, people yelling, pencils shooting up and of course, shoes sliding across the floor with a life of their own.
Saakrapi ma'am walks in just then. And a hush falls over the class so suddenly, it gives me goosebumps. She surveys us with, in the words of a brilliant senior, her "disco eyes". "Good. For once, you are all behaving like disciplined, civilised creatures." , she says and smiles, her keys jangling, ching-chang-ching-chang.
If only she knew.

You're perfect.
Don't you know?
I love you.
Doesn't it show?