Move over Vandalur Zoo!

At the beginning of this academic year, I moped to anybody and his poor uncle about how unfortunate I was to have been separated from my bestest pals who, very conveniently, wound up together in bunches of twos and threes, leaving yours truly all aloney and on her owney in an alien section with prats and A-class idiots. I wallowed, because wallowing is what I do best.

Now, however, I take that all back. Whoever said a class full of nerds with Shoot-me-I-get-straight-As stamped on their foreheads, a bunch of football playing sweaty boys who like to think they're very sexy and that their red-gold-mud brown hair is a huge turn on, lost little twerps, annoying giggly girls whose mouths you feel like stapling together, annoying girls who gasp at the very sound of F and B words, the random metal head et moi not be FUN?

Take for example, this situation.

It is computer science class whoopa-bloody-dee. Our teacher rambles on about something while the testosterone bundles on two legs try very hard to strike up a conversation with the girl sitting behind me about whether or not she has recovered from her fever ("Eyy you're wokay now aa?" "Yeah." "Oh. Umm. Err.")
A note hits my head as I am etching the words to a song on my desk. It reads :Manui quak, ac/dc or bsbbbbbb???? And the afore mentioned metal head shouts "This fucker is asking... Tell him he's an absolute mindfucked bastard for even putting BSB and AC/DC in the same sentence choot!", while the afore mentioned girls are all having aneurysms/heart attacks what with all the expletives flying around. Two absolutely disconnected girls who sit next to me are singing Sivaji songs at a pitch that I assume has never been touched by human beings before, Thank God.

Our teacher yells, "Heggsadecimal vaalues are used to fecify golour godes in HutchTeeYemYell... While writing syndags, we zimbly say #rrggbb." As if on cue, my thin, pretty, hilarious bench mate stands up, points a long finger at him and says with a sweet smile, "Sir, #ffuucckk." And sir? Oh, he threw a fit, threw books and bits of chalk, sent her to the principal's room and asked for a suspension order. Yeah, in the land of Normal People, maybe. And seeing as to how this is NOT the land of Normal People, not even remotely close to it, all he says in response is, "Verrrry good, sit ma." No, I kid you not.

Then someone shrieks and the whole class erupts into laughter of the OMG-I-don't-know-what-is-so-funny-but-fucking-hell-it's-funny variety. A pen cap is thrown right onto the fan and comes back as two pieces, which when put together form the words "Add Gl Chiever". A crow flits in and out of the class and the giggly girls shriek, effectively blowing my eardrums out of existence. And then they begin giggling. So my Lunatic Benchmate picks up one of their pencil boxes and throws it onto the topmost shelf of the rack in response to their pissing off tittering and they nearly kill themselves with shock. "Let us party mann mera bole, let's get naughty mann mera bole, jaanemann!", LB screams into my face. I'm too bored to notice. I'm so bored, I start ogling The Coolest Nerd on The Planet.

Now, The Coolest Nerd on The Planet is very busy doing math in CSC period and since he's so cool, nobody complains. They're too busy contemplating his murder anyway. The poor sod sitting next to him, who is actually an absolute jerk owing to the fact that he's quite a nerd himself only a lot less annoying, is fiddling around with The Coolest Nerd on The Planet's pencil. And being the genius that he is, has somehow, God only knows how, managed to pull the entire graphite stick right out of the pencil. But, being the absolute moron that he is, says "Eyy goiya see what I did to your pencil ra!" Big mad move. "Ayiyoooooooooooo!", screams Coolio. "Assol! ASSOL ASSOL!", he says, with a Miss Universe-esque gasp and hand gestures. If only we had a tiara that happened to say "I suck", it would've all looked so perfect. "ASSOL ASSOL", he chants on. Okay, enough is enough. I walk over to him. "Listen dude, you're really cool and we're all warm for your form and everything but please, if you want to swear, do it properly, okay? It's supposed to hurt the other person, not make him laugh his ass off. Now say it with me, the H in asshole is not silent, not silent, NOT SILENT." "Eyy go yaa bloody assol" is all I get. Ayiyi, this animosity goes beyond me. So I ask him to hurl his fucking ass out of the country and he starts his "Assol assol" mantra.

Then the bell rang- pandemonium- food flew across the class- Metal Head and Coolio have a heated debate punctuated with the choicest expletives- I am laughing my ass off and we all lived happily ever after.

Confusion, aiyo confusion.

I claim to be a pessimist, a goth, a cynic. I like to believe that there is no joy in the world, that everyone is merely putting up a wall of fake smiles and fake happiness to cloak their insecurites and true sorrow. But then again, I am the same idiot who goes giddy at the sight of a puppy and grins at the crazy sunshine.

What in the name of Hindi Hitler's front teeth is that all about?

I can't hear you because your silence is deafening.